


Painstaking

by bangbang_dear, composersboy



Category: Subarashiki Kono Sekai | The World Ends With You
Genre: M/M, Post Long Game, Spoilers for Ending and Secret Reports, They love their coffee dad, post reunion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-01
Updated: 2017-05-18
Packaged: 2018-07-22 06:11:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 16,852
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7423144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bangbang_dear/pseuds/bangbang_dear, https://archiveofourown.org/users/composersboy/pseuds/composersboy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For three years, the windows had been boarded up. The cafe was abandoned, shut off, unfilled, and some days, Neku was sure it was the same as his Composer's heart. The Higher Plane's divine punishment.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Cognitive Dissonance

All things considered, 2012 was shaping up to be a decent year. A strong earthquake had hit the east side of the country on the first of January; however, no serious damages or injuries had been recorded. Unlike the year before when Tōhoku, the 9.0 magnitude earthquake and following tsunami, took the lives of nearly sixteen thousand people. They commemorated a year in passing of the tragedy only a month ago.

Shibuya was doing okay, even if some of her citizens were not.

Neku would be graduating this summer, which meant that he spent most of his time juggling responsibilities with a ridiculous amount of stress and was still managing to come out with straight A's... as of now.

He had almost forgotten that he enjoyed video games, tin pin slammer, or reading books, except for when he was able to do those things in the presence of his friends. All his free time away from his part-time job in retail, a full time job in an attempt to understand himself and his "special circumstance," high school, and social activities was spent doing homework or sleeping.

The Composer's Game had changed him, made him open up and expand his world, made him determined to make a change. He had meant to live a long, normal life after earning himself, as well as Shibuya, a second chance. What really happened was: he couldn't seem to forget about the Underground, nor could the Underground forget about him. He'd discovered that he wasn't "normal" by complete, total accident, after a high strung argument with Joshua had caused objects to hover around them.

"You can knock off your Composer bullshit. I get it," Neku had said to him back then, only sixteen years old.

"I'm not the one who's doing it, Neku," Joshua had said; cool, careful, with an unusual look in his already otherworldly eyes.

Neku had never gotten the chance to address Sanae Hanekoma's Secret Reports before he had been erased by the Higher Plane. Technically, he hadn't had permission to take a peek at the scattered papers he'd promised to help collect in the city. Not being honest about whether or not he'd read the report was the most dishonest thing he could remember doing, and it haunted him that he hadn't come clean... as disappointed as the man may have been for breaking his word. Didn't he deserve to know, when Joshua actively refused to divulge him in the Game's details, or his part in them?

So, he worked out an understanding as well as he could possibly manage. He wrestled information out of Joshua as time passed, and he experimented with his unique capabilities until collapsing on top of his bed in exhaustion. The famous artist CAT had "mysteriously disappeared" and left its team on their own, creating whatever music, furniture, or clothing they had rights to. The artwork, such as the mural in the Udagawa district, still lingered. Nothing else was being painted, nothing else was being imprinted to "Enjoy the moment more" or "Gather." Neku had taken it upon himself to keep the message going, for a Shibuya that lacked its most positive influence was a Shibuya the boy was afraid to see, especially with Joshua in so much mourning.

He may... or may not have dedicated his pursuits in the name of the Composer as much as Shibuya herself. Maybe it was ridiculous, maybe it was immature, maybe it was too much work, especially for someone who probably wasn't meant to have anything left to do with the Underground, but he had already chosen his friendship with the blond over the city's citizens once before. It wasn't particularly out of his character to put this much thought and attention into keeping his spirits high. Or his Imagination.

Today, on his "day off" in every sense of the word, he sat beside Joshua in a patch of grass near Miyashita Park with a history book splayed out in his lap. The pages were monochrome, fluttering in a breeze bidden by a vibrant spring world. He was trying so hard to combat senioritis and give a damn about the content before him. Even more so, Neku was fighting against the urge to dig the heels of his palms into his his eyes until he was seeing stars. He was tired of history, he was bored of history, and the sun felt... really nice on his skin...

Still, he managed to give Joshua his undivided attention as they sat together, especially when he was spoken to.

"Cognitive dissonance," Joshua chided the boy, circling with his finger the term printed in his notes. As he spoke, blue eyes fixated on his finger, then his face. "Your central theme is cognitive dissonance. It's a mental coping fallacy that destabilizes a person's moral code in order to alleviate guilt for wrongdoings. Hypocrisy. A phenomenon rooted throughout world history, lending power to the negligent evils of mankind."

Smirking that smug smile of his, for some things never changed, he leaned back on his arms. His hair draped just slightly over his shoulders, one of many subtle tweaks to his appearance over the years. Neku wasn't entirely sure how he was able to keep up with himself as Joshua aged with him, but then again, he always seemed like himself whenever Neku was around him.

"History is oodles of fun when you dissect humor errs. You can find what drives the world. And we all know that a world can be made no better than its core."

"Why am I bothering with this when you could summarize everything I'm going to need to know in time for Monday's quiz? You think you could find it within your gracious, humanitarian disposition to take pity on a chivalrous soul?" The eighteen year old promptly closed the book and set it beside him. His chest fell rather heavily as he let out an audible sigh, echoing restlessness and stress.

Joshua had been Neku's unofficially official study buddy all throughout his high school career--and yet still, the Composer hadn't learned to underplay the extent of his knowledge. Just as now, Neku tended to ditch all academic efforts in favor of Joshua briefing him in place of a textbook. Even though nothing ill had come of it yet, he knew it wasn't the wisest course of action. One of these days it was going to come back and bite him in the ass, he just could hardly help himself. Didn't he deserve a shortcut in his education, after exerting all of his energy and losing so much sleep on the other's behalf? On Shibuya's behalf? Then again, maybe not. Joshua had more than once insisted Neku drop his Underground endeavors, move along, live the second life meant for him. He had no one to blame but himself for his stubborn personality.

Besides, how could he find it within himself to give up when he knew that Joshua wasn't doing so well--as a Composer or as a person. The onus of a Producer would be difficult enough on its own, and the absence of Shibuya's Producer weighed on Joshua both emotionally and mentally. Neku was a personal witness to the colors draining in the corners of the blond's unlife. Shibuya was bright, exuberant, melodious, all because Neku had managed to pick up on whatever slack was left behind.

"I need a drink," Neku said suddenly. He was kidding, probably. Probably not. He wasn't all too sure anymore.

"I hate to break it to you, Neku," Joshua sighed, leaning back his head, blinking into a cloudless sky. "but the bars in Shibuya don't include the elixir of knowledge within their alcoholic arrays. Sorry. Your 'needs' seem a little ill-placed, anyway."

"Then what's the point of bars if I can't special order that or from the fountain of youth?"

To keep himself from rubbing his eyes, Neku rolled his shoulders back and strained his neck. Now that the weather was warming up he had been able to wear tank tops again. Muscles flexed as he stretched, one of the benefits he got out of keeping busy, practicing supernatural abilities, and running himself down to the bone. The idea of an average exercise routine hadn't occurred to him since his middle school days.

In some ways, Neku supposed he still looked like a kid. In others, he was growing into a man, maturing at an oddly fixed rate.

"I was thinking... it would be nice to do something fun. As much as I'd like to sit around catching up on Slammurai, it isn't all that exhilarating."

In other words: Neku needed to relieve stress. He was never going to admit it out loud, though, not about to risk Joshua's feelings under the assumption that Shibuya was too much, that the work was too much, that Joshua himself... were too much to handle.

Besides, classes and fellow school mates were stress inducing on their own.

"Have you ever been to a bar?"

The question could be considered more or less dense. Between Joshua's former Conducter and Producer he would have stockpiles of alcoholic drinks to choose from. Ordering something on his own accord would be nothing short of a waste of yen. It was likely that he was thinking of the most obnoxious way to say it, just for the sake of pushing Neku's buttons, only he looked a bit too thoughtful to be considering something patronizing. Joshua looked almost... sad, for a brief moment, until his lips parted to form words.

"In a sense, I've been everywhere," was Joshua's answer. "Have I personally fulfilled the carcinogenic, STD-riddled experience that is a bar? No. It hasn't been in my interests."

\--huh. So he didn't seem to be the slightest bit interested in a miniature adventure, after all. The Composer had been a lot more quiet as of late. Not boring, just... tame. He used to drag Neku off to bouncy houses and aquariums. And now...

His shoulders loosened, deliberately.

"I'm willing to break out my pocket sanitizer for you, however."

"Really?" Skeptical, Neku eyed Joshua as if he expected him to admit his reserve, or even lay down an excruciatingly long list of conditions upon agreement. The boy ought to be ecstatic with this turn of event, celebrating the fact that Joshua might be coming back out of his shell. Still, he couldn't help the underlying worry. "Just like that, you're gonna say yes? No kicking or screaming?"

He leaned in close, as if doing so could help him sniff out his suspicions. "Where were we the night that Joshua Kiryu told me about his mom?"

Suitably, Joshua tossed him an offended stare, the same prissy, affronted leer he had been issuing for years. He huffed, pushing Neku away by his forehead, earning a grunt from the redhead in turn. "Don't act so surprised, dear. You'll need someone good-looking around to divert attention from yourself. I know how you loathe unwarranted pick-up lines. I can touch your butt possessively, too, if you like."

Yep. He was Yoshiya, all right.

An attentive one, at that. Even though he had raised a brow at the comment, the assumption that he wasn't a fan of being hit on my strangers wasn't a wrong one. He didn't particularly like being hit on by _anyone_ , really, for at least one particular reason that... he would rather not dwell on at this point in time.

"I'll leave the ass grabbing up to you, my knight in shining armor." Before getting to his feet, he stuck his history book inside his backpack and slung it over his shoulder. Once standing, he turned to Joshua so that he could extend a hand to help him to his feet, as well. Only then did Joshua even begin to get up, a habit the two of them had built together over the years that Neku now hardly seemed to notice. He opened doors, grabbed the straws and condiments at restaurants, even opened up the little ketchup packets for the blond, without ever being asked to do so. Joshua was like the girlfriend in a five-year relationship that no one talks much about. Not that there was any such undertone between them. They were simply friends, nothing more, beyond the occasional quickening of his pulse, thrumming of his heart, the unwanted butterflies Neku wished would just _go away..._

"Beat once convinced me to go with him to this place near A-East. It looks a lot nicer on the inside than the outside. We should hit that up."

"You're taking me to a Beat-certified establishment?" Joshua was wrinkling his nose, more likely unable to help himself from doing it, even while meticulously dusting off his jeans. "Are there basketball hoops inside? Steak martinis? Free nudes with every purchase of a bacon cheeseburger?"

"Come on, it isn't like that." Although he really ought to have laughed or cracked a smile at how accurately the suggestion represented the skater. Joshua had a valid point in assuming the absolute worst. "I think even you could find it impressive-- especially coming from somebody like Beat."

He fiddled with the ipod in his pocket as they started walking, putting on a playlist with a soft enough rhythm that it could play through the headphones speakers around his neck without disrupting their conversation. Headphones that weren't quite the same shade of purple as the ones he had been addicted to at age fifteen. Headphones that didn't have nearly the same artistic touch as the old pair, even after remaining brand loyal to Gatito.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My partner and I often find ourselves letting out heavy sighs at the lack of multi chapter TWEWY stories. So, we've taken it upon ourselves to toss up one of our roleplays as it's own fanfic. We hope you come to enjoy it as much as we had writing it.


	2. Age is But A Number

"...Do people really hit on me that much?"

Now that Joshua had given in to allowing Neku to take him to the bar of his choice, he couldn't help thinking about the Composer's earlier commentary. _You'll need someone good-looking around to divert attention from yourself_ , he had said.

Implying that Neku were attractive himself, and that there would be an onslaught of stares without the blond by his side. He wasn't entirely sure why he allowed curiosity to get the best of him. Not giving a damn about conventional beauty standards or fashion trends was something that had remained consistent about him over the course of his maturity. Asking questions could very well ruin his image, not to mention his immediate attention span.

"Oh, Neku, haven't you noticed? It's a daily occurrence."

Strolling alongside Neku, Joshua thumbed his chin thoughtfully. An exaggerated gesture, stalling before he delivered his punchline.

"Ah," he added at length, "you meant from people who _aren't_ me. heehee."

"Shut up. You are so full of it."

Unlike in the year 2008 when they first became friends, Neku actually smiled. The young man was easily agitated at Joshua's jokes, the way he would nit-pick and push buttons. His sense of humor was something that Joshua, at the least, had retained over the years. And even if he had mellowed out, for better or worse, teasing Neku was no less his favorite pastime. Half of the time the redhead responded with eye-rolls--the other times he genuinely laughed.

He had stopped looking too deeply into the Composer's flirting a long time ago, had stopped wondering if what he said was more than just words.

"Yes, from other people. Whenever we happen to go out together, Shiki is convinced that every cashier we pass by gives her a jealous, dirty look just for being by me."

Shiki wasn't wrong, really. Joshua had witnessed this phenomenon several times, himself. The only reason he didn't get the same looks, likely, was because the rest of the planet was oblivious as to anything concerning Neku's orientation. Truth be told, Joshua didn't feel especially as if he knew, either.

" _Every_ cashier is an exaggeration," Joshua said, having become a tad more pensive than before. "Shiki _does_ read into body language excessively. It's part of compensating for her own lack of presence. I will concede, though, that Sunshine girl isn't still working the front because she loves the smell of diabetes in the morning."

"Sunshine girl?"

Once upon a time, his friends had pointed out to him that he made a very distasteful face whenever something was mentioned that he didn't understand. They claimed it was something even worse than resting bitch face, where his nose crinkled and his frown deepened in a way that almost made him look homicidal. He could feel himself making that face as he mulled over Joshua's remark.

"What Sunshine girl?" he asked, when all at once it occurred to him. The face of a pig-tailed brunette came to mind, one whose voice was a little too high and exuberance a little too... staggering. "You mean Shigemi?"

Of course that's who he was referring to. There wasn't another fast food employee alive who left a big enough impression on him for Neku to bother learning their name. It would be pretty cruel not to have taken a glance at her name tag, after all; she was the only person who tossed in a couple of extra nuggets to his order. It was the main reason why he kept going back to the Shibukyu Sunshine store and not the Stationside location.

He gave Joshua a rather peculiar look. "Isn't she just... being nice? I can't be the only regular who she gives free food to."

"You're right, Neku. I've seen her slipping an Armenian underwear model extra tots, too. She must be thoroughly disinterested in you."

Well, that was fine. Neku and Sunshine girl had miserably low chemistry, anyhow. The girl was a little ... ditzy, and her imagination was lacking, to boot. Neku deserved better.

Joshua thought that a bit too fiercely sometimes. Neku deserved better.

He looked away at that, fixing his gaze upon where they were going rather than on his ex-Game partner. Neku had a restrained look in his eye, like he might have something he wanted to say, or maybe even something he wasn't sure how to bring up. Instead, he opted for a subject change. Just in time for them to approach the bus line that would take them to A-East much more quickly than their feet could.

"I've seen you get looks from people, too. And not because you decided to try on a Natural Puppy sunhat or a pair of D+B designer jeans."

Neku's shift in demeanor couldn't be missed. There didn't happen to be much that Joshua didn't pick apart about him. Neku was surprised that the blond didn't immediately latch on to his hesitance, to press him relentlessly to spill his innermost thoughts, maybe even until he gushed them out of irritation. Still, he supposed he was grateful for an act of mercy. The idea of Joshua pressuring him about _that_ made his stomach churn, as it always did when he even considered fessing up on his own accord.

"Are you surprised?" Smirking, Joshua tossed back his hair, as if he had paid the guy a damn compliment. "--it's probably because my presence grates on them, or that I seem out of place to them. I carry my throne when I'm out and about with you, whether it's convenient or not."

No, truth be told, he wasn't surprised at all. Joshua carried himself with a straight back, a languid pace, and sense of superiority. Sometimes Neku was convinced that the guy held his head at certain angles when talking to people because he _knew_ they were getting his good side, and that they would think so, too. His hair was always perfect, his gaze unwavering, his skin... flawless. Not that any of that particularly mattered to Neku. He was half convinced that the guy's appearance had something to do with his Composer super powers. Not only that, you could give Joshua all the zits in the world and it wouldn't make him any less his... friend.

"You think that you look out of place to people?" Neku gave him a short glance. "I doubt people look at you and think, 'hey, this guy must be from a different plane of existence! Maybe we shouldn't really be interacting with him.'"

"Well, no. I'm more subtly anomalous than that."

\--wasn't it ironic how his first real friend had taught him about the Game, and now he teaches his second real friend what he was taught?

It was one reason they had bonded even after the repercussions of the Game. Skittish as Joshua was about divulging personal details, he had entrusted Neku with more and more information over the years. For someone isolated as Joshua, Neku suspected this arrangement was a rare one to come by.

Neku could take the stranger facets of his soul in stride. That in itself eliminated the thickest barriers between them. It also helped that Neku was willing to listen to his long-winded metaphorical exemplars.

"It's like this: modern animation meshes together traditional and computerized mediums of art. Both serve the same purpose, but when contrasted against the same backdrop, they are easily distinguishable. If an animation studio runs low on time, they're likely to expedite the production process by resorting to computational animation for particularly tedious frames. If they paste that CGI into a scene dominated by traditionally manufactured work, the CGI fulfills a role but still stands out. It belongs, but it bothers the audience on a subconscious level."

Well, now that Joshua mentioned it, it made perfect sense. Although Joshua maintained perfectly sensible fashion, there was something off about him that even Neku had noticed when they first met. Composer bullshit aside, Joshua did have an usual amount of knowledge, speaking almost as if from experience instead of from getting context out of a book. With his high Imagination and powerful Soul, it was no wonder people would be uneased by the blond's presence. Not only that...

"How old did you say you were?"

The slightest of frowns crossed the Composer's face--as always it did when his age came into conversation. He didn't like the idea of confessing his age, that much was clear. Due to however many times he'd dodged to answer the question yet, it was possible that he felt it were vulnerable.

For some time, he had assumed Joshua to be of some vastly superior age, decades, maybe more, that he was some entity of supreme experience, prancing around time. These days, he wasn't so sure. These days, Joshua seemed nearly as helpless and lost as the rest of them.

" _Did_ I ever say?" Joshua retorted, insufferably. "Maybe you can talk it out of me later. I doubt it, however."

"Don't be an ass." Gently, Neku elbowed the guy in the ribs. "I'll just have to call you Grandpa until your ego cripples in irritation and you tell me."

Just then, by some luck or Joshua potentially imprinting the driver from this far away, the bus came around the corner and pulled up to them.

"Who's being an ass?"

He really _didn't_ appreciate being called grandpa. That much was plain from the disdainful sniff and turn of his head he issued whenever the term wormed its way into conversation. Just like it was plain that Joshua found public facilities to be pig disgusting, by the way he held onto the back of Neku's shirt instead of the railings. It would almost be unsurprising for Joshua to demand perching on the boy's lap, with how adamantly he avoided contact with any portion of the vehicle. What a ... germaphobe ...

Crossing his legs and sitting primly in his seat, Joshua dropped the sarcasm in his tone. "Does it bother you, not knowing? I can't imagine it being abundantly important to you."

Now that he didn't need to watch his step as he walked through the aisle, Neku considered Joshua with an even stare. Long ago, he had troubles being able to meet his eye without scrutinizing him. Not only that, but because he had such a difficult time maintaining eye contact with anyone he spoke with. It was one of the noticeable differences about him as he grew older.

"I wouldn't say it bothers me more than I get the occasional itch to know. Your age wouldn't change the conversations we've had or how close our friendship is. Sometimes I wonder if Shibuya had become unbearable all at once or if you had to watch it happen over the course of a decade, or thirty years, or... I dunno. I just wonder."

"Hmm. That's nice, Neku. Wondering is part of maintaining an active Imagination, you know."

The Composer was doing his best to feign apathy. But there was an undeniable curve in his lips. Somehow, he had found something about this conversation ... endearing. Warming. Maybe he appreciated Neku's thinking of him more than he let on. He could only hope so, considering ... honestly, when wasn't Neku thinking about Joshua? They messaged each other every day when they were apart, which is something he didn't do with Shiki or Beat, and when he was at his "real job" he was thinking about his _job_ , which always circled and came back to Joshua in the end.

Not that he would allow himself to admit the extent of his thoughts. Joshua didn't need to know about the _unprofessional_ thoughts that occupied his mind. The Composer didn't need to know about his idiotic daydreams he'd find himself slipping into when he had a free moment, or--whatever. If he knew, he had a strong sense to believe that Joshua might cut him out of his life. In the past he'd attempted dropping obvious hints as to how he felt towards the blond, and it had never gotten him anywhere with the guy. He wasn't interested.

"Nobody bothered to card Beat and I when we had gone together. I don't think they'd do it now, which is good. I'm underage and you... probably don't have identification, right?"

"Shibuya _is_ my identity, Neku," Joshua very unconvincingly said. The guy likely hadn't held onto anything from his previous life. Not a certificate or a license or--anything that would lose meaning in the Game. The Composer's fingerprints coated the entirety of the City, every shop front and sidewalk, but Joshua himself? He didn't treat himself like a person. Maybe he _wasn't_ one, when he wasn't around Neku.

"Don't worry about it," Joshua added, staring far beyond Neku, sunken into thought. "As Composer, I'm willing to vouch for you. There isn't a crack of Shibuya I don't have access to. heehee."

Do you ever say something embarrassing, but your only option is to stick the landing? Yeah. Joshua won't fess up to how often it happens.

Neku's jaw fell slack before the Composer had even finished speaking. He _was_ about to point out that if Joshua were only going to Imprint the poor guy who decided to card them, he could easily do it on his own. Imprinting on another person was something even he had managed to master effortlessly since he ended up in the Reaper's Game. Even if the idea hadn't come to him prior to this moment, it would have when the opportunity called for it.

 _Was_ about to point that out, being the keyword. As soon as the words that left Joshua's mouth registered in his ears, Neku lost himself in a fit of laughter.

"Wow. That..." The redhead pointed a finger at him, even before he had been able to mildly catch his breath, smiling widely enough that his cheeks were already beginning to ache. "That was... the gayest thing that's ever come out of your mouth."

Neku laughed a lot easier nowadays. But Joshua hadn't anticipated quite so gleeful a reaction. In his opinion, the delivery on that innuendo had been sloppy at best. There had certainly been wittier jokes, better phrased jokes that Neku had found less amusing.

... which made perfect sense, actually, if you take into account Neku's pitifully juvenile sense of humor. No matter; regardless of self-criticism, Joshua perked up at the attention, tucking back his hair as smugly as one could.

"You think so? Just envision the abject gayness I would spew _without_ a filter."

"I thought the point of all this was so that _I_ could loosen up? You're making it my goal to hand any drink that I order off to you."

\--Neku often wondered if Joshua liked other boys. If he even "liked" people at all. Maybe the undead didn't get emotional attachments to anyone, didn't feel sexual attraction--something beyond asexuality. It wouldn't be beyond Joshua to tease, put on acts for the sake of passing time. Then again, maybe he had--always been this way? Neku couldn't boast that he knew much about the Composer's living days. And the only man who could possibly tell him about them was ... 

"Are you _sure_ you want to know me that well, Neku? It might be a friendship level beyond tolerance."

He really _must_ be three times more insufferable when drunk. The giggling multiplied, the inappropriate commentary doubled, the puns--the puns ran wild, Neku knew for sure. H had once banned him from drinking "ever again" for all the god awful cat puns he had made while under the influence.

Which was all ... peculiarly human of him. He turned into an idiot, just like anyone else. A well-versed idiot, but an idiot, all the same.

"If I don't want to get to know you more, then I'm not a friend worth having. I can't say that I'm ready to dump everything we've been through down a garbage disposal."

He had to look away, in case something cheesy began to sparkle in his eyes, or... something as relatively stupid or incriminating as that. "I'm kind of looking forward to it."

For years, Neku had made that endeavor of knowing Joshua, fielding questions again and again that Joshua would inevitably deflect. Somewhere along the way, Neku must have gotten comfortable with befriending a mystery, a mirage, an outline of a life erased by the City. Inexplicably, Joshua seemed determined to forget all the things that made him. To forget his mortal shortcomings, mistakes, limitations. But, late at night, on weekends when Neku had no engagements other than idle chatter, he seemed like he could almost spill every repressed memory and thought in his head.

"I don't know when you decided I would be getting drunk, myself." Joshua was smiling at him, teasingly, his chin propped in his hand. "This was _your_ side quest, after all. Are you buying?"

Unable to do anything else, Neku gave a heavy roll of his eyes.

"When _aren't_ I paying?"


	3. Blue Curacao

One hour later, Neku sat across from Joshua in a corner table of the dimly lit room. True to his word, the place was unlike anything that the Composer would be expecting. Most of the lighting was done with black light as it reflected off of neon furniture, bars, and speckled carpet. Neku's blue drink had even glowed, as did the scoops of vanilla ice cream that topped it off.

Not one person had bothered them from where they sat, aside from the waitress herself. Other than her and the murmur of unified chatter, the electronic thrum of pop music, the two of them could have believed they were completely alone. Even with things as they were, Joshua had at first been a tad resistant to ordering more than the bare minimum of alcoholic. Neku could agree that adopting each other as a drinking partner was--bizarre. He at once felt too young and too mature, and he could imagine that Joshua was having a difficult time grasping on to where Neku was in life, mentally, and emotionally. The Composer wouldn't have much to compare with, giving his odd circumstances.

"...Remember the thing we were talking about earlier?" The redhead asked. His head felt a little fuzzy and his face was warm, but he was sure he had yet to be more than tipsy. "With the girls and stuff? I... there's this girl in my class that's been talking to me a lot."

But after the first drink, he had scanned the menu with demolished reserve. Neku almost found the action to be concerning, but the more he thought about it, didn't Joshua deserve this? His pseudo-dad had died, his unlife had spiraled out of control, he had one entire friend to his name, and he was charged with the livelihood of an entire city! As much as Joshua refused to talk about it, he was lonely and depressed and exhausted out of his mind, and--he owed it to himself. Who cared? Who gave a shit? He had all of fucking eternity to be responsible. He had Neku to lean on now.

He was halfway through a second and much less forgiving drink when Neku posed his question. Joshua's eyebrows rose, his entire demeanor shifted in a way that was simultaneously much like him and not much like him.

"Girls do that, Neku," he sighed, as if it should be obvious. "Talk. Why don't you ask the _big_ questions? How many pencils has she borrowed from you in the span of a half-semester? Does she struggle with the same mathematical concept seemingly without improvement, despite your best efforts? Are you exceptionally attractive? If you answered yes, she _might_ want to wife you up."

He was severely undermining how little Neku cared about physical appearances. The boy could recognize a good face or piece of clothing, however, he found such things to be unimportant to a person's character. It was stupidly cheesy, but he cared more about a person's mind over how they liked to style their hair. Neku had adopted the mindset long before meeting Joshua or his other partners in the Reaper's Game.

That being said: _was_ he considered to be exceptionally attractive? He was like a... seven on a good day? Neku had grown so accustomed to tuning people out that he didn't have any idea as to how he might have come off towards other people.

"I know she wants to go out with me. When I saw her yesterday, she asked if I would go on a date with her next weekend. I... told her I'd check my schedule and get back to her on Monday."

Neku couldn't remember a time that Joshua looked so relaxed. It was strange, and somehow... relieving. He questioned whether or not the blond had genuine fun with him, enough so that he wouldn't worry about the city for a day. Tonight was starting to look like one of those days. It almost made his stomach squirm.

As selfish and stupid as it was, Neku had always hoped something ugly would stir in Joshua's veins at this anecdote. He'd repressed time and time again the idea of his Composer becoming jealous, petty, and bitter. To see that disgustingly self-satisfied look in his eyes that he wasn't more excited at the idea of dating. That he'd take pride Neku had come to _him_ about his indecision. Not Beat or Shiki or ... whoever.

Neku had come to his "weird friend," instead.

"You sound disinterested," Joshua said, plainly. "Would you be happy with someone you barely know, anyway? Modern dating routines are a little shallow, don't you think? You can scarcely be honest with the _mirror_ , Neku, what makes you think you could be emotionally intimate with someone you just met?"

Rude! Neku was an honest person, he just wasn't an open person. Letting someone into your life was weird, it was hard. It was... potentially scary, and... That was besides the point. Neku let out a noise that could barely be heard over the music, all while running his fingers back through his hair.

"Isn't that the point of dating-- to get to know someone so you could open up to them? Wasn't that the reason why I was given a second chance?"

His shoulders sank a little, conjuring an old image of the barista who splashed his monochrome world with vibrant color.

"Even if I don't necessarily want to do it, shouldn't I give her a chance, broaden my horizons? She isn't annoying or anything. We get along..."

Was he trying to convince himself, or Joshua? He didn't need the blond's approval to do anything for himself. So why did he feel like he was fishing to get something out of him?

Joshua had been ready to passionately rebuff the boy's assertion as to the reasoning behind his revival. No, he wasn't given a second chance, so he could /date/. What kind of bullshit excuse for resurrection is that?

Granted, Joshua had obviously misunderstood what Neku meant. He was prone to crippled judgment as well, it would seem. But, luckily, his attention was immediately distracted, and Neku could easily take a guess as to why.

_Broaden my horizons._

The words made him feel cold, heavy, empty. He could guess that it made Joshua feel the same. Like stone in his chair, even with his head floating in a buzz. Neku still adhered to that silly snippet of advice, even if Joshua found it to be stupid, wholly unoriginal ilk Mr. H used to spew. Used to. Mr. H was--

Mr. H would want him to make a change. Would want him to be happy. Would want him to reach out, do something for himself for once, something not so self-destructive. That's what broadening a horizon meant, right? More for Joshua than it could ever mean for himself. He _had_ made a change within his own world.

He had stared at Neku for a long time now. His eyes looked like they were stinging, but his voice came out unexpectedly flat.

"No, Neku, you _shouldn't_ do that if you don't want to."

It... would have helped if he'd done a good job explaining where he was coming from. Holding back a guilty breath, Neku he leaned forward to elaborate further on his point of view. He'd made a mistake in mentioning the old Producer. He should have known better than that. Sanae Hanekoma had become a toxic topic, a name banned from conversation, especially between the two most affected by his erasure.

"I don't... _not_ want to do it. I think it would be good for me to take risks or go out of my comfort zone... sometimes.

"I just wonder if there's a point in getting to know someone if... I can't be close to them. Even if I wanted to, I couldn't tell anyone about the Underground or... why you-- our friendship-- means so much to me. Not without giving it up. I can't do that. I don't want to. Not for anyone."

"Then don't," was what he said, quietly, simply. As if the answer were obvious. _Wasn't_ it obvious? Was it the buzz, or was Joshua finding the sentiment difficult to digest? Neku was holding off a potentially life-changing decision for his sake.

Didn't Josh want him to stay?

If only he could make it more clear.

He thought Joshua would fight him on this. Encourage him, even, after all the time he'd spent telling Neku that he didn't belong in the Underground, that he was wasting his second chance, that he should forget everything just like Beat and Shiki had. The boy had assumed Joshua might want him to open up to new people. And yet... he wasn't pushing for any of that. It confused him, made him feel torn.

Neku watched him, watched until the song changed and the dip in music brought him back to attention.

"Am I an idiot for thinking this way?"

"Yes. You're an idiot, Neku."

They both were. Neku knew that he was an idiot for clinging to the Underground, and Joshua was an idiot for letting him. Neku had always feared that Joshua would have done what he should to strip him of his power, redact his memories, no matter how badly Neku didn't want him to. He shouldn't have shown his face after the Long Game, he shouldn't, he shouldn't--

But he did, and this was their reality. Maybe an alternate of Joshua had been smarter. Maybe an alternate of himself had shut him out. It didn't matter.

"Neku," he started again, an undertone of caution in his voice. He pushed his glass to the side, leaving nothing but the table in between them. Neku's stomach squirmed, yet he couldn't find it in himself to heed his own nerves, much less Joshua's jittery fingers.

"It's idiotic. But I don't want you to do it."

"....Why?"

It was all he could ask, all his throat, suddenly dry, would allow him to say. Neku carefully observed the look in Joshua's eyes, the way he pushed away the glass, how his elbows lingered on the table.

"Don't get me wrong. I want you to be happy, Neku."

He was leaning in, eyes intent on Neku as if in a trance, part of him expecting the boy to sit back any moment, retreat from what was an advance he wished both of them made in dreams.

"But, if the Underground is what you want--"

Neku wasn't aware that his heart could beat so fast. His lips parted as his jaw began to fall slack. His body had grown tense, but he didn't know if he wanted to lean in or run away.

Was he losing his mind, or was this some kind of joke? A lesson in disguise? Had Neku had a lot more to drink than he thought he'd had, and he was reading too much into the closeness between them? Joshua wasn't blind or stupid. He had to have noticed, ever since the beginning--

The alarm bells in his head had silenced entirely, drowned out by his pulse and spinning thoughts

Broaden your horizons. Right?

"I've always wanted this."

He meant-- the Underground. That's what he meant to say, not to specify this moment, with this person, although it was damn too late to take it back.

Neku couldn't stop looking at Joshua's mouth. Couldn't stop looking. Hoping.

He would rather pretend they shared the same thought, that something electric and synchronized was passing between them. God. Joshua was supposed to be the one to think such romantic drivel.

A laugh, much less poised than usual, bubbled on the blond's lips. His mind exploded with a whirlwind of mingling dread and excitement as he nudged against his cheek, brushed lips ever so lightly. The bar felt volcanic, the talk around them a white noise, his thoughts floating through the ceiling--

"I don't think you know what 'always' feels like, Neku."

If they were in a more appropriate setting, his gasp would have been audible, just as obvious as was the shudder passing through his spine. It was a good thing he'd learned how to control his frequency and his powers beyond Psychs.

He clutched at Joshua's elbow, holding him tightly rather than pushing him away. After the last few years of yearning, grieving, wondering... Neku could quite literally taste it. He pressed his mouth to the other's with his eyes tightly shut, his chest on the brink of bursting. The first kiss turned into a second, and his hands started to tremble.

\--the bullheaded need to impress Neku had appeared to have left him for the moment. Without knowing his romantic history, Neku wondered if he hadn't had any experience with this beyond fundamentals. Maybe Joshua concerned himself with these things once upon a time, but now... he was only a boy, in a bar without ID, having a first kiss with his best friend. A boy with lungs that hopefully ignited like his had, with fingers clenching in Neku's hair, pulling him closer, closer. It was never close enough to Josh, who smelled so nice and felt so real, present. The guy who he had singularly craved, even when he'd reluctantly agreed to lock lips with a girl behind Sunshine's his junior year. Who he had to keep reminding that he wasn't going to disappear after graduation.

Even with his own minimal experience, Neku might have overly concerned himself with showing off, too. However, caught up in the moment, he simply smiled at his hair being pulled. He was nearly out of his seat in excitement, and his lips moved like he might never get this opportunity again.

Joshua was shaking. Only moments later did Neku recognize why: he was laughing between kisses.

He almost forgot to breathe.

Neku had been wanting this for a year, at the least, now it was finally happening. After he should have tried his best to give up and move on, here they were. It was both exhilarating and terrifying. Maybe he had fallen asleep in the park while studying and he hadn't noticed.

He wondered if they were being stared at, but they were likely, to the mortal eye, just another pair of shameless teenagers with a drinking problem. Part of the scenery, insignificant regardless of the cosmos colliding between them.

Just when the blond's breath couldn't have run short anymore, he inhaled sharply as he dropped his head away from eye level. Another laugh, strained, tumbled from Joshua's mouth. He must have been thinking the same thing.

"--I like you. A little bit."

He... liked him.

Joshua _liked_ him, and since when? Neku had learned a long time ago to assume that the guy never meant anything by flirting or by asking him on a 'lunch' date, or when he would sit a little too close around his laptop. Somewhere along the line, had those gestures become genuine?

Apparently so. Unless-- Joshua simply had too much to drink.

Neku couldn't bring himself to smile with all the different emotions churning his stomach. He was still overcome with shock.

"...I like you, too, Joshua."

The Composer beamed, stupidly, childishly. As if Neku had given him a puppy, and he ... actually had wanted a puppy. He was looking at him like this was the best day ever, that they had to go celebrate.

"I've wasted a lot of our time already, Neku." Joshua said suddenly.

Wasted? None of it was wasted. Even on nights where Neku lay awake at night wishing he'd had the gall to hold Joshua's hand or flirt back, none of it was wasted. He was just glad to have the Composer in his life.

Joshua stumbled as he rose from his chair, his foot momentarily caught between the legs. Neku reached out his hands to catch him, but he had already caught himself. Rather than express the offense or embarrassment trademark of him, he grinned over at Neku, stabilizing himself against the table. Neku got to his own feet, then, smiling faintly.

"We should go--somewhere. Like Hell."

He doubled over giggling.

"That was a joke, let's not do that. They have bad customer service there, and the crime rate ... oh my god."

Hahaha! Wasn't he a hoot?

"Agreed. Let's not go to hell. Got any other suggestions?"

On a good day, he would have tons. A new haircut for Donald Trump, different shoes for Mr. H, for Beat to shut up for once...

Instead, something fully unexpected came out of his mouth.

"Well, now that we're in love-love--"

Neku would forget he said that tomorrow, even if he had to burn his own memories in the process.

"--we should go home together. Hm, partner?"

Go-- ?

_Oh._

Holy shit. How much alcohol had been in that second drink of his?

"You mean... to hang out?" Neku asked, wanting Joshua to elaborate before he made any assumptions. His heart was still racing.

"Is that what the hip happenin' kids call it these days? Sure. We'll hang out."

Joshua had hardly finished speaking before his face lit up again.

"We can go to a movie ... and not watch it! Or start a fire. Netflix and kill. Heehee. I'm kidding. I don't have room in next week's Game for a house fire."

"Josh-- are you..?"

He never thought he would be asking this in his lifetime. Or afterlife time. This conversation with Joshua was never likely to happen.

"What exactly do you want to do when we get home?"

Joshua's place had way too many stairs. The blond wouldn't be able to handle it in this condition. Not without a lot of complaint. It was better that they go to his apartment... should they take a bus or should he drop the money on a cab?

"I don't know. Create an effigy to David Bowie and burn it in the streets? You're too hung up on the details, Neku. Hurry up."

The Composer had begun digging for his phone from his pocket, momentarily distracted as he began scrolling through his contacts. He began to type with the speed of a woman canceling her coffee date at the last minute. Maybe he was doing exactly that.

"Josh-- what are you doing?" Confused at the other's need to hurry, he glanced over the Composer's shoulder to look at his phone screen.

No, no, no. Not good. Neku did not need this right now.

"Stop. Hold on, what are you doing?"

"Hm?"

The boy hardly looked up, tip-typing out a very sad excuse for a message. Grammatically, it could have been worse, but Neku could see the content had to do with eloping, and the emoticon he tapped out was backwards. Like a distraught waving slug.

"I was supposed to meet Sanae later. So I'm rescheduling."

Satisfied, he tucked away the device.

"Don't worry, partner. He'll get over it. Ready?"

No, no he wasn't ready. Neku was still trying to fight back the chill that had taken over his spinal cord. Something worse than alcohol had to be in Joshua's drink if he thought that Mr. H was going to be on the receiving end of that text message. His Composer was drugged, insane, or...

God, Josh hadn't recovered from that loss at all in the last couple of years.

Swallowing, Neku gave a nod of his head and gestured for Joshua to lead the way out. Then again-- his arm looped around his waist, in case the guy were to trip over his own feet. Neku didn't have experience in dealing with drunks. What he had was 'television knowledge' which everybody knew was entirely factual and simple to recreate.

"We'll go to my place. Dad is still in Shinjuku and won't be back for another couple of days."

"Shinjuku? Ugh. Can you tell him to stop dragging that filth into my city? Shibuya doesn't need anymore Shinjunkies."

"Yes. I'll just do that." Neku snorted, something just below a chuckle, and he helped Joshua to the door. Nobody minded or even cared to watch as they left.

"I have to call for a ride. Promise me you won't try to traumatize the driver?"

As they stalled just outside of the bar, Joshua leaned against Neku, frowning over at him.

"Why would I terrorize the driver?" he asked, as if it were ludicrous to expect such ill behavior from him. "He's _driving_ , Neku. If frightened, he could steer us into a fire hydrant or a zombie, and we would _die._ "

The boy paused just a second before dissolving again into laughter.

"Well, you would. I'm already there. Dead. Heeheehe. Neku, he can't hit a zombie, because _I'm_ the zombie. The Walking Dead. Does that make H my Walking Dad? My Smoking Dad? My Lung Cancer Adoptive Guardian of the Sentimental Variety? Carl should have stayed in the house."

"Yeah. He should have." Neku tightened his grip on Joshua. His lungs were wanting to shudder at the mention of the barista, but this was the first time Joshua had talked about him so openly. Willingly and without his eyes growing more wet or his voice straining...

Maybe this was a good thing. Neku could go with it for tonight, at least.

"You should text him and tell him that he's your walking dad. See how much he likes the new title."

He glanced the other's way, debating internally. Come to think of it, he had never gotten an answer to a question he had asked before their escapade. Now that Joshua had so clearly tossed away his sobriety, now was as good a chance as any to prod the Composer of his secrets. That was fine, wasn't it? Neku could know. Neku could know everything. How dangerous could secrets be between partners?

Besides, the curiosity bit him enough to make him nervous. It was a good idea to know if the man you were going home with happened to be in his late forties.

What if he had made out with a forty year old? Ugh.

"...How long have you been dead?"

"You're asking that because I'm drunk, aren't you?"

The Composer's smile was as sly as his goofy mood would allow. Unlike one would expect, however, he didn't appear offended in the slightest.

Joshua hummed, closing his eyes as he delved into thought. Was it possible that he didn't keep track of the years that had passed after he had died? Time may have become just short of irrelevant for him. Maybe he wasn't planning on telling Neku the truth at all, until...

"Seven years. I've been Composer for seven years."

The answer was fairly startling. He could feel the jump in his pulse as he realized. Only that long? If he traced it back, Joshua could be no older than...

"Twenty-two?" Neku attempted to meet the guy's gaze as he wobbled back and forth. "You're only twenty-two?"

A very advanced twenty-two year old, at that. He had seen some shit in his afterlife time. Joshua had started a war. Killed a man. Few could say as much at his age.

"I'm twenty-two," he confirmed, even as he pouted. "How old did you _think_ I was, Neku? I assure you, were I older, I would have romantically targeted someone my age. Do you take me for some kind of sexual deviant? _You're_ gross for macking on a potentially ancient entity."

That-- that was a fair jab, actually, in all it's entirety.

"I didn't know how old you were." How could he, when Joshua tried so hard to keep it a secret from him? Neku knew it was better not to make any assumptions when it came to the enigma, although it rarely stopped him from doing so.

He really ought to be calling a... wait. There was a taxi down the street. Neku just needed to imprint the driver to get him to pick them up. Done and done.  


"Are you..." He asked next, once he wasn't distracted. "Only saying this because you're drunk?"

"Disclosing my age, you mean? That was unforgivably lazy, by the way."

Neku did a double take, glancing from the enclosing vehicle to give Joshua a frown. As if Joshua didn't frequently imprint to speed up basic tasks? But, hey, he had super important things to do, right? It wasn't power abuse if it was a _necessity_. Attempting to blow up your own city, on the other hand, now that was...

"How-- you can hardly stand straight. How do you know what I was doing?"

He would repeat his former question after... he got an answer to this one.

"I'm the _Composer_ , Neku." A note of exasperation made his tone even more nasally and whiny than usual. "I don't have to try. It's like sight or hearing. It doesn't just go away for x and y reason. You're-- silly-- to think you can get away with bending frequencies without my notice. I always notice, whether I comment on it or not."

His jaw fell, though not words came out, so he closed it again. Neku could think of a thousand questions in relation to Scanning or Imprinting, but now was not the time. He needed to keep his thoughts straight if he was ever going to get the answers to his longest standing questions. Besides, knowing Joshua, he might be bullshitting just to distract him.

"Are you only saying you like me because you've been drinking?"

The Composer's face grew unusually blank. An excellent question on his part, so it would seem. Joshua deserved not to be trusted on his word. After years of teasing, lying, jerking the boy around, evading confrontation. Neku would be short of wise to believe him.

"I'm saying it because I'm drunk," finally he admitted, slowly, watching the wheels of a taxi screech to a stop. "--sober, I'm not stupid enough to trigger the potential consequences of saying so. I can't bring myself to care right now--what happens to me, I mean. We're running out of time together."

Running out of time?

What the hell was that supposed to mean? Why would they be running out of time? Joshua had never made any mention of this before. Was this supposed to be a cry for help, or something else? Was Joshua planning on doing something to himself, or to the city?

Could the Higher Plane have decided to erase him? Was it possible to be that unforgivable, when they had already stolen Mr. Hanekoma from them?

"Josh..." He wanted to ask, but now that their ride had shown up he couldn't talk about the UG or their deaths or anything related to it. No matter how drunk they were or weren't, the driver would think they were bat shit crazy.

"Here. Get in the car. We can talk about this later."

Neku told the driver their destination as he sat, buckling himself and making sure Joshua were buckled, too. Dead or not: safety first.

As for Neku... he didn't get another chance. The Higher Plane had made clear when he was still fifteen.

"--Mr. H was a cab driver at one point. It kind of suits him."

As Neku sat beside him, he couldn't help tracing the pants seam along Joshua's thighs. Distracted until the blond had spoken again.

"He was?" Now that Neku thought about it, he could picture it easily. "He never mentioned it. I thought he'd been addicted to beans his whole... life."

Afterlife? Whatever. Joshua would know what he meant.

"One would assume."

Seeking a comfy place to rest his spoiled fluffy head, Joshua leaned against the redhead's shoulder. Neku sincerely hoped that Joshua was considering that he tell him about his idol more often. It was a bit unfair of him, wasn't it? The way he was withholding information the way that he had?

"You do need funds to start up a 'bean' business, however. I'm glad he did it, at any rate. It's how he fell in love with the city. Spending all day immersed in the streets. I bet he was a reckless driver."

"I've never thought about that..." Neku looked more thoughtful now, vaguely starry eyed. The one and only CAT once drove cabs for a living? It was completely ridiculous. It was also... fitting. He probably gave polite greetings to everyone who hopped in the back, no matter how rude the customer may be...

"That sounds just like him. Did you know him back then?"

"Mmm, no. I didn't know H pre-Wildkat. But I had quite some time to learn about him."

\--time that hadn't been long enough. There was still so much he needed to ask Hanekoma. As much as he acted infallible, Joshua couldn't be an expert in Underground policies, not by far. He was a young Composer, even after seven years.

A young Composer with no one left to turn to. The only senior member left in his ranks was Kariya, and Joshua once told him that Kariya didn't have experience with duties beyond--

"Well. He was always an open book, as long as you didn't ask about his relation to the Game."

Being the Producer was supposed to remain a secret. Neku wasn't even allowed to know, but he did, because he read the Reports he'd sworn up and down not to look at.

Neku took in an unsteady breath, one he felt trembling deep inside his chest.

"Do you think he'd be pissed that I stay in touch with the UG?"

"... No."

The question made Joshua silent, a move that suggested he'd become uncomfortable. Neku could easily see why, on multiple occasions. One being that he couldn't ask the man himself. Another being that--the most truthful of answers, Joshua may tell him something that he hadn't wanted to hear.

Unfortunately, Mr. H wasn't all of who Neku thought he was. He wasn't even all of who _Joshua_ had thought he was. The Higher Plane hadn't even disclosed the man's plans if the Composer had tried to go through with...

"You're an asset to the City. You retained what influence you have because Shibuya wants you to have it. Even if it endangers you, Sanae wouldn't go against Shibuya's wishes. He's got an impeccable loyalty towards the city."

_You don't know the half of it._

"...You think?" He sounded distant, not particularly looking for an answer. At least that, more than any other thought, was a bit more comforting. Sanae had been the one person he looked up to and respected before the Game, and he couldn't even keep his word to him. That made Neku feel awful.

"So, um... how would you rate your first bar experience?"

\--god, the look that flashed in Joshua's eyes suggested that he had somehow forgotten they had even _gone_ to a bar. You would think that would be something he could remember. Particularly ... when he was going to be giddy off the experience for the next six hours ...

Rather than answer, Joshua drew his legs up into the seat and clung to Neku's arm. The grand Composer of Shibuya, borderline napping on Neku's shoulder--what a monumental day this was.

"I like you."

His pulse jumped. Or-- his internal organs slamming against his chest was a more accurate description. Neku couldn't do much for the moment other than watch the Composer curled up against him.

"...Hey."

Neku wasn't a romantic, though that didn't make him chicken shit, either. Bracing himself for his next daring act: Neku lifted Joshua's chin and pressed their lips together. Time seemed to slow down for just a moment, and Shibuya felt surreal around them. If this were a dream, he hoped to the Higher Plane that he never had to wake up.

Joshua appeared to be in a love-struck haze for the remainder of the ride, toying with strands of Neku's hair, squeezing him, snuggling in wherever he could fit. It was--surreal, being this close to _anyone_ , much less Joshua.

It was easy to assume that even before the Game, Joshua had all but given up on an the intimate aspect of his life. Not that he could blame him, either. Intimacy was frightening, costly, demanding. And now--

Blissful as he felt, Neku was willing to risk his life for it.

When the taxi rolled to a stop, Joshua shot up with seemingly spontaneous energy. His seat belt very nearly popped him in the chin, he so rashly released it. He was out of the vehicle before Neku could finish paying the driver.

"Hurry, Neku," he couldn't help chiding. "We don't have much time."

Time--he should stop mentioning it before Neku drove himself crazy.

"We have all night." Neku said with a roll of his eyes. When he thought about it, Joshua could easily be referencing their busy schedules, right? The Composer could be making the situation into a dramatic one for no real reason.

He stepped beside Joshua and met his gaze while fishing out his keys, putting them in the lock.

"You still haven't told me what you want to do here. My house isn't exactly an arcade or a carnival."

"Need I have a plan worked out for every instant of our time together, Neku? I would rather be alone with you, is all."

Joshua wasn't often this carefree, and Neku knew the morning would ring in reality. Responsibilities, obligations, even remorse. If he was going to enjoy a few hours free of those burdens, Neku was glad he at least wanted to spend them with him.

Him, and him alone.

Neku could do that. He just didn't want to /bore/ Joshua. After letting the blond inside, he closed the door and turned on the closest lights.  


A smile lifted his lips, watching Joshua. "I finally got the paint smell out of my room. Now I don't have to keep hearing you bitch about it."

"Fucking /finally./"  
Under more sober circumstances, he wouldn't resort to such crass language. Right now, he just thought it was hilarious. Fucking finally, Neku! You piece of shit poop noggin. Heehee.  


"It's unhealthy to live in a constant construction zone," he added, more refined. Aside from having to stumble against Neku to even _make_ it to the boy's room.

"I don't have the time or the patience to work anywhere else. You know that."

Not to mention it wasn't healthy to breathe in those fumes every day. Neku was lucky he hadn't killed off his brain cells, gotten himself sick, or gotten himself high. He needed to take better care of himself, instead of slaving himself to so much work every day. It was something he needed to do, but he was more concerned with what would happen with the world he'd built if he let it slip for longer than a moment. Or an afternoon for some drinks at the bar.

"You can also see my floor. See?" The young man pushed open the door, flipped the light switch. "I'm not such a slob after all."

Now Joshua could hobble his inebriated butt-cheeks to the bed without incident. He would have broken his neck navigating Neku's bedroom pre-cleaning. Which would have been only a little inconvenient with him being dead and all

"Good job, dear," he offered shortly before flopping down onto the mattress. Momentarily, he looked blissful enough to drift off--until he began wiggling around for optimum comfort, rolling, sprawling, burying his face in the sheets.

He emitted a muffled "mmph" to announce his eventual satisfaction.

"'Kay. I'm ready to be adored."

"From your stomach?" Neku chuckled as he stepped closer, but he went to his nightstand instead of Joshua. As he always did, he pulled out his keys, wallet, other things from his pockets to place beside the bed. The small handful of Psychs he kept on his person clinked as he dropped them down beside everything else, too.

"Even if you hadn't been to a bar... I bet you have had a drink before. Shades isn't around to drink his own stash in the Dead God's Pad. Is that right?"

"Mmph."

Joshua turned onto his side, just to watch Neku, as best he could with his hair spilling over his face. 'Shades.' Right. He could see the nickname registering in the Composer's mind now. The guy who, unbeknownst to Neku, collected vintage bottles just to admire them. The guy who, despite what one would expect, had never been drunk in front of the Composer.

"It was a go-to business drink," Joshua agreed, collected for the moment. "They kind of got a kick out of my age, I think. The first time we convened, they gave me a glass of grape juice with an umbrella garnish on the side. I think they got over it when they realized my mom was a party-happy French lady. French moms push alcohol like vegetables."

 _Them_...? Oh, Mr. H, of course. Considering that he and the Conductor were the closest people to Joshua it should be natural to think of them in the same setting. But somehow, it wasn't.

Neku wondered what it would have been like for the three of them to sit together, a drink in hand. Megumi sipping wine, watching over Joshua in a vague babysitting composure, concerned that Joshua might drink too much without being watched out for, yet admiring him no less than he had when Josh was sober. Sanae probably drank beer from the bottle.

Would Neku have been a part of their group, one day?

"So you had something to drink before you had met them? How old were you?" Finally, Neku sat on the edge of the bed. His fingers grazed over Joshua's clothing, light enough not to be considered rubbing or massaging.

"There was a party. I think I was ten."

He closed his eyes, breathing out. Neku was barely touching him, but he seemed to be comforted nonetheless.

"I took one sip from my mom's glass and spat it out. Her friends nearly died of laughter."

Neku could imagine that the woman-- all blond curls, red lipstick, and giggles-- hugging her son so tightly that all he could smell was perfume.

"Twelve years later... I'd say you had a lot more pleasant experience."

Neku continued to trail his fingers as he spoke, curving them around Joshua's hip before slowing.

"...Did you date anyone?" The words came out in almost a whisper, cautious and curious, entranced by Joshua's breathing and the way that his curls framed his face. "Before... or after you died?"

Neku hesitated, then offered: "Megs?"

Accordingly, Joshua crinkled his nose. A few years ago, Neku might have expected feigned puking up his guts at the implication. Now, he was _a little_ more mature than that, but still. Megumi? He hoped they both considered that to be gross.

"What makes you think I was interested in Megumi of all people? Sure, it was a plus that he worshiped me blindly, and I respected the man enough, but--I've never been into older men. Much less ones prone to wearing snake print."

"You didn't have a lot of options." Neku pointed out. "I doubt you'd be the first Composer who had an intimate relationship with their Conductor."

But he was glad to hear that that hadn't been the case. That would mean Neku indirectly kissed Megumi. How gross-- and profoundly weird. Shades and Joshua would be a strange couple no matter how you looked at it.

"Well. Yeah, but ..."

Frowning, Joshua rolled over to face up, practically situating himself in Neku's lap. Looking at that reaction, did Neku really think he had been that _desperate?_

\--he had tried to destroy himself as well as his City. Did anything get more desperate than that?

"I didn't think much about romance," Joshua said. "I was too interested in the power high when I started, and after that went away, I--didn't care for anything, I suppose."

He leaned back his head, looking past Neku, something in his face growing dark.

"... I do regret what happened to Megumi, though. That--things didn't end how I wanted them to."

It was Neku's turn to lean back, instinctively, unsure how to process Joshua getting so close to him. He... had never been this close-- excluding their makeout in a bar, with hair pulling and--

He might have been shaken a little more, had Joshua's words themselves not abruptly diverted his attention. The look alone on the blond's face sent a chill running through his veins. Neku hadn't had the intent of upsetting him.

"...you regret... saving the city?"

Softly, Joshua sighed; as if preparing himself for the burst of a bomb after he was about to say, but for something he must felt Neku deserved to know. Neku was going to find out eventually, wasn't he? Especially if he wasn't going to break his ties with the Underground.

Didn't Joshua owe it to him--to be truthful instead of continuing to cover his tracks?

"Neku ..."

There was reluctance in his voice, but he persisted.

"Shibuya was never in danger. Not from me, at least. I needed the leverage to turn everyone against me--so that one of you would erase me. If not Megumi, you. That's why I instigated our last game."

He wouldn't meet Neku's gaze. Probably so that he wouldn't see the resentment on Neku's face, should it be there.

"Composers are only succeeded by those who destroy them. I couldn't do it myself, and both you and Megs seemed like the best candidates to take my place. It's ... I made it all about Shibuya, but the city was failing because of me."


	4. Dizzy Spells

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for mentions of suicide and sexual content.

He could hardly begin to process Joshua’s latest confession. At least not in an organized fashion. Neku had thought he was dizzy off the buzz of alcohol, but it was nothing in comparison his current head spinning.

His memories and his feelings of the Final Game came rushing back, churning his stomach. He could feel a sharp pang in his chest, the distant giggle of a friend he had believed to be erased, his voice cracking as he called that friend a monster, felt his own tears beneath his palms as he fell on to concrete.

Neku had thought it had to do with the city, with the snap of a homicidal maniac, with him believing the connection he had felt was all in his head… and it had all been for Joshua to have someone cut him down. He had made peace with the situation, as difficult as it had been, and now everything he had believed had been uprooted; twisted. Mangled to the point of no recognition.

Not to mention Neku was now… in love with him? How did anything get more screwed up than that? He had ought to be revolted with himself for falling for a manipulative, compulsive liar. One who had quite literally murdered him. How was it possible that he could even trust him?

Did it even matter if he hadn’t been able to forgive Joshua, after they had come so far?

“You’re saying… you planned to make me the Composer… from the very beginning?”

That was news to him. He knew that he had been a proxy, unknowingly playing Joshua’s part in a game between himself and his Conductor. Being nothing more than a chess piece had made perfect sense. Neku had never thought to question it.

"What makes you think I could rule a city?"

"You were drawn to CAT."

As if sensing Neku's tension, Joshua sat up, curled into himself, hugged his knees to his chest. He swallowed thickly, still refusing to look Neku's way.

"You had potential that would be to your advantage in the Underground. And--we were a lot alike. By which I mean, I suspected you had nothing anchoring you to the Realground. When I was alive, all I ever wanted was a way out. Sanae gave me that. I thought I could offer you that, too."

"But I--" He had been nothing more than a child, one who despised people, hated the Game. Neku might have had potential, but that didn't mean he was fit to take the throne. It would have been a tremendously difficult job to have. Not to mention he would have had no guidance after the Higher Plane took Mr. H away. Shibuya would have truly crumbled, then.

Deciding not to delve into that quite yet, Neku considered a different approach.

“Are you still waiting for someone to kill you off?”

The Composer's lips parted, stalled. If someone were to threaten his life--would he even stop them? Would he consider it worth it to try? Neku would miss him, no doubt, but would Joshua think he were better off? He could finally break up with the Underground, move on. And...

No one else would notice. If he were erased, only Neku’s world would change.

"I can't step down now," he mumbled. Joshua looked as if he might be tearing up. "There's no one else."

_No one other than me_ , Neku thought, and the reality of it all finally seemed to be kicking in. If he were to ask Joshua to take him on as his newest Conductor, would he even hesitate to give it to him?

"...I chose you over Shibuya." Over women, over children, over his friends who couldn’t betray him if they tried. They had deserved a second chance more than anybody, and Neku had taken that away from them. They would have every right to detest him if they could still remember those few weeks.

"I know. You weren't supposed to."

Though Joshua certainly didn't hold a grudge. It was maybe that decision of Neku's that kept him going. That, and there was... nothing else he could do. He had already endangered Shibuya once. The least he could do is pick up the pieces.

"I wouldn't push responsibility like that on you again," he added. "Shibuya loves you, Neku, but you don't belong in the Underground."

"I don't know why. All I do is gripe about wanting chicken nuggets and risk my eyes getting stuck from how many times I roll them at people."

If the city had a human entity, what would Shibuya look like? Would they want to talk to him?

This conversation was beginning to exhaust him.

"If I was given these abilities, why don't I belong?"

"Because I don't want you there, Neku."

The words must have come out harsher than they were meant. The Composer sucked in an unsteady breath, curbing his tone.

"--you fought to have your life back, and you won it, fair and square. I don't want to see you waste it. Once you join the UG, Neku, you can't turn back."

"I didn't know what I wanted. I just didn't want it to be over."

Neku glanced at Joshua, able to look at him only because the blond was avoiding meeting his eye.

"I just knew I couldn't live if it meant losing the next closest person to me. I couldn't go through that again."

The blond's jaw clenched, tightly, caging in a sob that was clogging his throat. Why were they talking about this? Wasn’t it obvious that Joshua didn’t want to have this conversation? Why couldn’t Neku, for once, let him feel guiltless, free, and stupidly in love with someone?

Joshua’s shoulders were shaking. He couldn't hold back was he was keeping in, anymore.

"I'm sorry," the Composer whispered. His sadness came out in a watery laugh. "I'm sorry. Neku, I--there was nothing else to do! I couldn't give Shibuya to just anyone, and I couldn't--I just wanted it to stop. It's my fault. I couldn't keep going, and now..."

Joshua pressed his palms into his eyes, his breath rattling. Mr. H was gone—and he blamed himself for it. Because of his mistakes, his failures, because Mr. H had been so stupid—

"Joshua--" For a moment, Neku clenched his teeth and held his head. He'd learned by now how to tell if someone were messing with his head, at least... when it came to imprinting. Joshua's emotions were so loud it would be hard _not_ to tell that there was a supernatural interference in his head.

Guilt. That’s all it was. An overwhelming surge of guilt that burned his throat and put heavy pressure in his skull. _Guilty, guilty, guilty_.

Neku reached out and wrapped his arms around his shoulders. He held Joshua tight, pet his head.

"Hey... hey, come on. Josh, it's okay. We can talk about something else. I shouldn't have pried. It's okay."

"How is it okay?!"

The premature wailing, coming from him, was almost frightening. Rather than trying to get a hold of himself, he was holding onto Neku, tighter with every labored constriction of his chest. He had been holding in this torrent for years now, and it seemed there was no pulling it back in.

"It's my _fault_ , Neku. He's--he doesn't _exist_ anymore. We're lucky our memories of him hadn’t been taken away."

"Hey. That is not true." Neku said, as firmly as his voice would manage. He could feel himself starting to shake. Never, ever had he seen Joshua like this, except... when Judgement had first been passed.

And they had hardly spoken of it since.

“He had done everything of his own volition. They told us that.” Neku knew so much _more_ than that. The text in Sanae’s reports hung over him like a heavy raincloud. That was a whole other tier of emotional turmoil. He wanted to tell Joshua about them more than he could bear, but, how could he? It wasn’t his secret to tell. Neku shouldn’t have even known the papers existed.

“I can’t even be mad at him,” the Composer groaned, tugging at his own hair, looking fit to yank it from its roots. “Because he wasn’t _close_ to you. You were just some human boy. At least if he’d taken you out, he’d be sure that Megumi would have kept the city alive.”

“No one had suspected him. It isn’t your fault,” Neku tried to soothe. This entire night had gotten completely out of hand. He’d been trying to take a break, not have a break _down_. Neku needed to reel it in, and fast. It was hard to pretend that he had been the target of Mr. Hanekoma’s betrayal.

"Look... this has been a lot to handle at one time. Maybe we should just... call it a night? You can sleep here. I'll take the couch."

"Neku--"

Finally, Joshua looked up at him; belatedly, he scrubbed the water from his eyes, and the plaintive note in his voice caused Neku to stall a moment.

"You don't... have to do that. Go to the couch, I mean."

"You want to _share_?"

Neku hadn’t shared a bed with anyone except his parents when he was very, very young. He could almost forget it ever happened, if it wasn’t one of the few memories that he could recall of his mother.

Things were so much simpler back then, when your biggest fear was your teddy bear becoming sentient in the night. Now that fear was no more than creepy. Sometimes Neku did a hard doubletake at Mr. Mew after he could have _sworn_ he’d seen his tail twitch. Shiki had always looked to him like he’d grown a third arm whenever he had.

He wasn't against the idea of having someone in his bed, the opportunity just hadn’t come up.

"Would that be a problem?"              

Joshua was finger-combing his hair in attempt to put himself back together. Acting like everything was fine hadn’t panned out so well, but it wouldn’t be unlike him to act like his breakdown hadn’t happened, at least. Neku could roll with that, for the sake of his ego, so long as he felt… lighter. It could be the buzz of what Joshua had ingested at the bar, but it was good enough for him.

"I'm used to having a lot of space, so I _might_ be a bed hog."

"It's fine. I just didn't expect you to show this much... affection."

Neku reached out to rub soft circles on Joshua’s back. The tension was beginning to loosen up surprisingly quickly. His own shoulders were starting to relax.

"Affection? No, I'm just afraid of the dark. You're the decoy, in case something comes out of the closet."

Joshua was teasing him, of course. Teasing him and leaning back into his touch.

"Well, you're screwed, then. The closet monster only has a taste for blonds. He'll eat you up before I can think to stop it."

"Neku, you're a--butthead."

Ah, yes, the epitome of degradation. Neku would be feeling that sting in the morning.

The thoughtful frown on his face remained as he watched Neku, the slightest bit on edge, like a skittish cat tentatively accepting head pats.

"...Neku? You said you wanted to know me better. You didn't change your mind, did you?"

His gaze softened as he met with Joshua's more cautious stare. Leave it to the all-powerful Composer to worry over something as insignificant as Neku becoming upset.

The situation was more complicated than they would like to admit, or even knew. What was the point in holding a grudge after these years that have passed?

"No, Joshua. I didn't."

"Hmm."

Well, Joshua couldn’t possibly have any more incriminating secrets on hand. Not unless he decided to hash out the details of his middle school years, but that was a given. He could relax. Mr. Hanekoma was gone, but Neku treasured him even more than the old man had. Joshua still had him, as a friend or… who really knew, at this point. They didn’t have an obligation to the city standing between them.

He allowed himself to lean back into the redhead, head resting against his shoulder. Neku should be concerned that his emotions were so erratic, unpredictable, but savoring the contentment of Joshua _liking_ him, at any level, was more important.

"I suppose we're stuck together, then."

Neku continued to pet Joshua's hair, beginning to smile softly as fingers carded through curls. His heart was beating faster, and he wondered if Joshua could sense it at this angle.

"What are partners for?"

Joshua had to smile at that. Neku was brave think he was cute, wooing him with old Player lingo. He hoped the blond thought he was cute. He may not have noticed appearances or charm in years, since before he became the playground freakazoid—but Neku did. Joshua and that genuine smile of his, a first light of dawn, or a lighthouse beam on foggy waters, or—

Joshua made him feel poetic. Gross. He was doomed, wasn't he?

"Tax benefits," he jested, daring to reach up, cup the boy's cheek, press their foreheads together. "And hospital visitation rights."

Well, he wasn't wrong. Partners, in terms of normal society, could have a domestic relationship with such.

"We would have to sign legal papers for that. How hard do you think it'll be to convince the judge to give me away to a dead man?"

"Oh, that depends. Do you want to ask nicely, or bend the norms of time and space to sway him without question?"

He could guess that the pit of Joshua’s throat still hurt, though his laughter seemed nice, especially when his breaths dusted Neku’s mouth and the rest of him felt so—warm.

"I would need to create a new identity, of course. Not an impossible feat."

"Mm. That's getting a little bit ahead of ourselves, don't you think?"

Neku smiled a little wider, nuzzled deep into Joshua’s hair, down to the curve of his shoulder blade.

"You asked."

Joshua may have been more defensive if Neku were not caressing him the way that he was. Did either of them look ready to commit anytime soon?

…Well, did it count as commitment if you couldn’t see yourself with anyone else? Neku would be keeping that to himself, for now.

Gradually, Joshua was sliding his arms upwards, around the boy's neck. Neku had always thought someone clinging to him would feel more awkward. But they fit together, somehow.

"You're right. But we could stand to get a little ahead."

They could if it wasn’t for the distraction of hairs tingling the back of his neck, or how the closeness was stealing his breath, making his head feel fuzzy and… what had he said, exactly?

"Tell me you did not just propose to me." Neku chuckled, nuzzling against Joshua's own nose. His skin had always retained a usual chill, but all he could notice now was how soft it was.

"No, no. It was more a proposition than a proposal."

"...Oh."

The word came out startled. Affectionate touches, make outs, and-- propositioning? Was he teasing Neku, or fishing for a consequential response? He couldn’t be sure, now that they were so close. He couldn’t help wondering if he were dreaming. This kind of thing with Joshua only happened within his dreams. Although, the redhead… wouldn’t mind picking up from earlier.

Did Joshua know about what he fantasized in his sleep? Had Josh—scanned him!? That son of a bitch. That wasn’t _fair_.

"You know what that word means, don't you?"

Even drunk off his ass, Joshua had the sense about him to be offended. "I was more concerned _you_ wouldn't know what it means," the boy huffed, expression between a scowl and a pout. "I only use words I know, Neku. How elitist hipster do you think I am?"

Neku kind of hated himself in the moment, because the smile glued to his face was straining on his muscles. His mouth just kept _running_ when he wanted it to stop. "Let's say I don't. What would you have said, then?"

"My only recourse would be to take immediate leave, because I will not sleep with a simpleton."

Yeah, right. He might have giggled at Neku’s expense, a lot. No matter if he had been fishing for a direct insinuation, he had gotten it, at least.

\--how could Joshua be angry with him with such a stupid, goofy smile on his face? At least he _was_ smiling. Neku’s expression shifted rather obviously after the comment. The corners of his lip faltered, a look of nervousness making way into his eyes.

The room felt warmer, all the sudden. He had to swallow a load of speak in order to speak.

"Are you playing a game, or..."

This was ... one major setback of having a playful personality. People (read: Neku) were far less likely to take your suggestions seriously. While Joshua certainly couldn't blame him for doubting, he looked as if his inner clingy were throwing a tantrum.

Rather than walk the boy through his thoughts, Joshua pulled Neku in, latching his lips overtop the other's. When they broke apart, there was an audible 'pop' that was strangely satisfying. His fingertips trailed almost uncertainly down Neku's chest.

"I'm not. Are you?"

For someone who had a singular kissing experience, his eyelids shouldn’t have fluttered shut so automatically. The separation had him staring after Joshua hungrily, in vague confusion. He was about to ask why he stopped, except his mouth had beaten him to speak.

There's another thing that shouldn't have been so automatic: the heat already beginning to build in his abdomen. But he _was_ still considered a teenager, dammit. A hopeless cause when it came to sexual endeavors.

"Are _you_ playing?" His mouth supplied, brain not yet caught up with the conversation. "I uh-- I meant. No. I’m not... Josh?"

The Composer was smiling back at him, somewhat entranced by how easily flustered Neku could be. He had known that for a long time, really, just not in this context.

Who knew that, even drunk, Joshua could be so captivating? Addictive. He already craved to see more of him. Neku’s heart was pounding out a rhythm he had never heard, as Joshua placed tentative kisses on his jaw. Sure, he didn’t know what he was doing. But neither did he.

Joshua had already embarrassed himself beyond salvation. What worse damage could a mortal do?

"Mm-hm?"

Even with the beginnings of wandering kisses, Neku managed to chase his train of thought. Not usually the type to stutter so much, he felt silly. He could feel himself blushing.

“I don’t have any… I’ve never bought any, um, condoms. O-or lubricant.”

Why does that matter? His own consciousness seemed to be laughing at him. Neku and Joshua both had hands, both had mouths. They could go through the motions and get the same results with no more than grinding.

" _And_ you're drunk. Are you sure you want to be doing this?"

Had he ever seen Neku so frazzled, once he’d made it out of the Underground? It had to be anything other than precious, yet Joshua only seemed to want to envelope him, trail touches of fingers and lips in places he had scarcely considered before. Apologize through every intake of breath, melt because all Neku needed right now was him—

Joshua couldn’t keep his hands still. They were threading through his hair, tickling the back of his--boyfriend's? neck. Neku had no idea what title was appropriate for them, now. Who cared what they _should_ be doing, about how they _should_ feel, when all that mattered was happening between them right now? Neku had never felt so light or so giddy, and his thoughts could only churn Joshua’s name over again. Did Joshua feel that way, too?

The blond laughed softly, nuzzled under Neku's earlobe.

"It's fine, dear. I want this."

"Are these... repressed feelings from being sober or..."

How was he supposed to focus with Joshua's hot breath on his neck? Neku shivered involuntarily, lifted a hand to touch Joshua's side-- feel the slight indent of ribs, down to his hip.

"I-- if this is something you're going to regret, Josh... I..."

"Neku," Joshua sighed out, the teeniest bit frustrated. Granted, some logical portion of his mind did appreciate Neku's caution. But he had every moment /after/ this to appreciate it.

He lifted his eyes to meet Neku's, emboldened by the buzz still clinging to him.

"There isn't anyone else I want. I can't regret it if it's you."

It wasn’t his fault that Joshua was quite literally born with bedroom eyes, or eyelashes so dark, or had such an enthralling hum in the undertone of his voice. Neku would have fallen apart for him just as easily without having had something to drink.

"I want you." He said dumbly. "If you want this as much as you say you do."

Equally an idiot, Joshua's expression lit up, in the least literal way a Composer could light up. Nothing much was funny about the situation, but he started laughing, giggling between clumsy kisses, unable to catch a breath between their molding lips.

Just the two of them being together, wholly consumed in one another-- it made him so happy, he could cry. Neku he had never shed happy tears in his life. He didn’t think Joshua had, either.

Was any of this okay? Neku was only in high school... of legal age, but a high school kid none the less. Joshua was from a different plane, a different order. The Angels up above were probably watching them right now with steam blowing out of their ears.

But whether an unwise decision or a good one, Neku smiled against the kisses. He pushed an inexperienced tongue past pearly teeth excitedly, skin tingling and burning and--

Neku had been convinced that Joshua would never fall for him. Not like how the redhead knew how stupidly and entirely he had been in love with Joshua. Maybe he wouldn’t regret this tomorrow. So, when the Composer uttered the words “I love you,” Neku was half assured he’d crossed over into the afterlife.

Joshua loved him. That was worth more than anything he could ask for.

He pushed the blond down on to his back, hovered over him, kissed his cheek and his neck like he had always dreamed that he would.

"How do you want to do this?"

His heart was hammering as the Composer cradled his head, the other’s chin tilted back until he could watch the window. He could feel the same in Joshua’s wrist. It was alarming how lively Neku made him feel: breathless, gasping, where his lungs should fall flat; pulse throbbing, jolting where his heart should have stopped.

Even when he had been alive by conventional means, Joshua may not have felt such a rush.

Euphoric as he was, it took a moment for Neku's question to reach him. The guy probably hadn’t thought that far ahead. It was--supposed to be intuitive, right?

Suitably, his smile turned sheepish, and he scratched Neku's scalp apologetically.

"I--don't exactly have a preference."

No preference. Okay, that was perfect. Neku couldn’t think of anything more embarrassing than getting into this by attempting to do the same thing. Whatever that thing may be. Two boys weren’t as simplistic as your average straight couple.

"Then I'm staying up here." Neku murmured, a chuckle slipping into his voice. Because he had long since pictured how this would go. His nose trailed across the pulse jumping in Joshua's throat, up his jaw where Neku kissed him again, connected their mouths.

This was all new to him, but this was Joshua. The Composer, who very well might laugh at him for doing something stupid on a sober day, was too drunk to judge and Neku was too excited to care about screwing up. It was all basic mechanics.

"Mmm." Neku sighed as his hand curved Joshua's hip, just slightly slipping beneath the fabric of his shirt to touch his skin.

Joshua certainly had no complaints to file regarding their position. For the most part, he seemed to just want to be able to see Neku's face and mentally shower him in a litany of excessive praises. He was far too gone to see the irony in thinking of Neku as "angelic."

...besides--Joshua would probably wobble too much to be on top. The whole coordination thing was still a little beyond him.

Had either of them been touched like this before, so softly it nearly tickled. How stupid would it be to have a giggle fit right now? Not stupid enough to deter Joshua from breathing out a laugh, wiggling as he began to fumble with the buttons of his shirt.

One would think... that he wore button-ups enough to be more adept at undoing them...

Neku couldn't remember a time when Joshua had been so giggly. It was impossible not to smile himself, to beam at the Composer's exuberance and unrestrained, unrefined joy.

If Neku loved him before, he adored him now.

"Need help?" He whispered into Joshua's hair, before bringing his hands down to handle some of the buttons himself. Thankfully, he still had plenty of coordination for the both of them.

All his doubts were fading away more quickly as the moments passed. No longer concerned about his occupational status as a high school boy, no longer wondering if there were some seriously pissed off Angels watching from the sidelines. All that mattered now was Joshua and their perfect sync rate. See, the Game had done him some good, after all.

That was kind of a weird thing to think about right now, wasn't it?

Freed for the most part, Joshua did some more wiggling around, squirming out of his sleeves with a bit of horizontal acrobatics. Had he resorted to otherworldly finesse, this task would have been oodles easier, but...

He already had his concerns about frightening Neku on /accident/, so he certainly wasn't going to risk doing it on purpose.

Satisfied with his bare chest, Joshua settled back into the mattress, reaffixing his attention on Neku. There was a breeze in the room that he hadn't noticed before, but with the heat passing between them, it was welcome.

"I like you," Josh blurted, again, stupidly, his arms wrapping around Neku tightly, curling fingers against his back.

Neku laughed softly, taken by surprise. He should get Joshua drunk more often, just to hear those words over, and over, and over again.

"I love you." Neku breathed against Joshua's lips, trailing kisses down his neck once again. His fingers pressed into idents of porcelain skin. “You knew that, didn't you? All this time."

The blond's chest shuddered, questionably more impacted by those words than by the fleeting touches. 'Known' was ... a potential overstatement. Suspected, without a doubt, a crush or a minor infatuation, yes, but 'love' wasn't something he may not have considered in seriousness.

In retrospect, Neku had chosen him over a city, at a point when their relationship was just short of strangers. If that didn't showcase Neku's amorous capacities, then...

"I knew you were a huge mcfreakin' gay," Joshua mumbled, so articulately.

"Woooww. Asshole." At least it made him laugh again, laugh into Joshua's chest, grazing lips. He wondered how angry Joshua would be once he’d sobered up, if Neku had left behind a couple of marks.

Neku only sat up so he could pull his own shirt over his head. It was then that he realized the shaking in his fingertips, the heavy pounding of his heart. Nerves, both good and apprehensive.

The boy blinked, refocused. Neku couldn’t help looking jittery, nor could Joshua help sitting up, reaching out to take his hands. He nuzzled against the redhead's throat, just to listen to the hammering pulse, finding a song pitched between beats, maybe Neku's, maybe something Joshua was piecing together.

Squeezing his hands, he pressed firm, slow lips into Neku's skin, willing him to take his time. Despite Joshua having been so adamant about this, they both knew he was no longer capable of rushing Neku past his comfort zone.

"Josh." The name fell past his lips so softly that he wasn’t sure he had heard it himself. Reassuring himself and the Composer that this was real, this was happening, this was _okay_. His fingers disappeared into blond hair, cradling the base of Joshua's head.

He was about to sleep with the God of Shibuya, the man who killed him and then become his very best friend. The irony of it all made him lose the air in his lungs.

Neku was Joshua’s partner. Toy. Proxy. Joshua’s. There was nothing that the Higher Plane could do about it.


End file.
